Monday, August 13, 2012

This Must be the Place

   I lie on my bed listening to the winter rain pour down upon the tin roof of our whare, house, and find myself drifting into that strange dreamy frame of mind between sleep and being awake where the subconscious runs to her own musings. I could be in a mountain hut in the Ruahine thinking I should stir up the wood stove and put the billy on for a cup of tea. I could be in Wisconsin in the midst of a late afternoon summer storm, though the lack of loud thunder and flashes of lightening make that less of a reality. Or I could find myself right here, under our new roof buckled in tight and dry, the wood fire quietly warming us. It is not an unpleasant sensation to lie here between these different worlds. It seems I walk between them anyway.

How quickly time passes! Even though I was aware and trying to be deep in the moments it seems a bit bizarre to be back here sifting through the recollections and memories already. And of course Tara and Charlie have their own such places to sort through. For Charlie far less problematic I suspect, his very visceral, simpler world will allow him to hop back into his life here with far more ease than Tara or I. Tara and I suspect will have a far more complicated time digesting our experiences, our expectations, our realities. Interesting conservations lie ahead in the mist.                                                             


I honestly feel I have to let so many thoughts stew in the cauldron inside me before attempting to articulate them, or even what they REALLY mean. Having lived in another country now for over two decades I am not sure if it is my former home or myself which has changed the most. It was very important for me to see people and place my hands upon them, my family, friends, and a few special peeps in particular. I had very few boxes to tick, but the ones I did went back a long ways and reach way deep inside my soul. It has always been difficult for me to reconcile the past with the present, and I am not quite ready to tackle that yet. And so what may now seem unfulfilled or unsatisfying may eventually prove to be the sweetest encounters of all. Especially if the appreciation works both ways. Those answers most likely lie in front my fire talking it through with Tara, and some as well lie within me alone. In due time I will need to shoulder a pack and head into the Ruahine and talk to the mountains as well.

                                    My nephew Ben, two weeks younger than my own son Taylor. In ways I enjoyed his presence most of all. I love to see his smile. It gives me hope for my own boy, and appreciation of this one.

In the meantime I just wanted to report we are home safely and adjusting to going from holiday mode to the other mode of day to day life. It is good to be back in our little whare and our wood fire. Thank you so much to those who read here for tuning in and reading my ramblings. Kia ora as well to all those whom I saw and shared with in Wisconsin, and to those I did not I appreciate the thought was there and may you be well. Kia ora most of all to my family, my mom, my  sister Kathy (Kia kaha big sister), all my nieces and nephews, and mostly to my little sister Trish and her husband Steve for putting us up, and putting up with us for a month. Kia kaha Little Sister. I am always with you.

     The final hug with my mom. Kia ora Trish for observing this moment with dignity and allowing us a bit of privacy. "Listen dear mother I'll miss you the most......" - Jeff Tweedy

Kia ora and Aroha,